Does This Sound Familiar?
You ask your child to put on their shoes, and suddenly it’s a meltdown. You try to help with homework, and it turns into frustration and tears. You’re exhausted from the constant emotional roller coaster, wondering, "Why can't they just listen?"
If you’re an ADHD parent or raising a child with ADHD, you know that emotional dysregulation is part of daily life. You may have even tried deep breathing, rewards, time-outs, or logic, but nothing seems to work.
The truth is—your child isn’t being difficult on purpose. Their nervous system is overloaded.
And here’s something even more important: If you struggle with emotional regulation yourself, helping your child regulate can feel nearly impossible.
But there’s hope.
By understanding Polyvagal Theory and co-regulation, you can help your child feel safe, connected, and in control—even if you’re still learning to do the same.
What is Polyvagal Theory? (And Why It Matters for ADHD Families)
Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory (PVT) explains how our nervous system responds to stress. It’s especially important for families with ADHD, emotional sensitivity, or a history of childhood trauma because it shows us why behavior isn’t always a choice—it’s a nervous system reaction.
Think of the nervous system as a traffic light:
🟢 Green Zone – Safe & Social (Ventral Vagal State)
Your child feels calm, engaged, and open to learning.
They can follow directions, problem-solve, and connect with you.
🟠 Yellow Zone – Fight or Flight (Sympathetic State)
Your child is restless, anxious, or explosive.
They may argue, resist, or lash out because they feel threatened.
🔴 Red Zone – Shut Down (Dorsal Vagal State)
Your child feels overwhelmed and disconnected.
They may withdraw, freeze, or refuse to engage.
👉 Children with ADHD often get stuck bouncing between Fight/Flight (Yellow)
and Shutdown (Red), struggling to return to the Safe & Social (Green) state.
This is why telling an overwhelmed child to “just calm down” doesn’t work—their nervous system won’t let them.
Instead, they need co-regulation—and that’s where you come in.
What is Co-Regulation? (And Why It’s the Missing Piece in ADHD Parenting)
Co-regulation is the process of helping your child regulate their emotions by regulating yours first.
Your nervous system is like WiFi—your child’s brain picks up on your signals before they hear your words. If you’re stressed, frustrated, or overwhelmed, they will mirror that state.
But if you stay regulated, their nervous system feels safe enough to calm down too.
The problem? Many ADHD parents struggle with self-regulation themselves.
“How Can I Co-Regulate If I Can’t Regulate Myself?”
You don't have to be a parent with ADHD to struggle with:
❌ Emotional impulsivity – Reacting before you’ve had time to process.
❌ Sensory overwhelm – Feeling overloaded by noise, movement, or chaos.
❌ Executive dysfunction – Struggling with patience, structure, or consistency.
So how can you co-regulate your child when you’re barely holding it together yourself?
👉 The answer is simple: You don’t have to be perfect—you just need a plan.
3 Steps to Co-Regulate With Your Child (Even When You’re Dysregulated)
Step 1: Pause & Notice Your Own State
Before responding to your child’s meltdown, check in with your own nervous system.
Are you calm (Green)?
Are you frustrated or overstimulated (Yellow)?
Are you shutting down (Red)?
💡 Quick tip: If you’re in Yellow or Red, take 3 deep belly breaths before engaging.
Step 2: Use Your Body to Send Safety Signals
Your child needs to feel your calm presence before they can calm down themselves.
Lower your voice (fast speech = stress signal).
Slow down your movements (rushed gestures = nervous energy).
Make gentle eye contact (not intimidating, just reassuring).
💡 Quick tip: Try a soft smile or an exaggerated yawn—both send a signal that the environment is safe.
Step 3: Help Your Child Shift Their State
Instead of saying “calm down”, guide your child into regulation with an action:
✅ For an anxious (Fight/Flight) child:
Try movement (jumping, stretching) or a playful distraction.
✅ For a withdrawn (Shutdown) child:
Use warm touch (hug, back rub) or a favorite sensory tool.
💡 Quick tip: Ask, “Do you need to move or snuggle?” to give them a sense of control while regulating.
Want More Co-Regulation Tools? (Free Resource for Parents!)
Co-regulation takes practice—but you don’t have to do it alone.
I’ve created a free Co-Regulation Cheat Sheet with:
✅ Simple scripts to use during meltdowns
✅ Regulation exercises for parents & kids
✅ Emergency grounding techniques for high-stress moments
📩 Sign up here to get your free download!