Co-regulation—the process of helping another person regulate their emotions through a calm, steady presence—is the foundation of emotional development.
It’s how children learn to manage their feelings, build trust, and feel safe in relationships.
But for many parents, especially those with ADHD or a history of childhood trauma, co-regulation doesn’t come easily.
👉 Instead of feeling like a grounding presence, parenting may trigger overwhelm, avoidance, or emotional shutdown.
👉 Instead of being the calm in the storm, your nervous system might feel like the storm itself.
So why does this happen? And how can parents—especially those who struggle with emotional regulation themselves—learn to co-regulate effectively?
Co-Regulation Comes Before Self-Regulation (The Science Behind It)
According to Polyvagal Theory (Dr. Stephen Porges), co-regulation is a developmental milestone we must learn before we can self-regulate.
🧠 Newborns and young children don’t have the capacity to regulate themselves—they rely entirely on a caregiver’s nervous system to guide them into a state of calm.
🔄 Through repeated co-regulation, a child’s brain wires itself for self-soothing, emotional resilience, and connection.
Key Points:
If you didn’t experience consistent co-regulation as a child, your nervous system may not recognise emotional closeness as safe.
Instead of seeing connection as comforting, your body may associate it with stress, criticism, or abandonment.
This can lead to avoidance, shutdown, or overwhelm when your child seeks you out for emotional support.
Research:
Dr. Bruce Perry’s neurodevelopmental research shows that co-regulation is essential for emotional resilience and that childhood stress without co-regulation can lead to lifelong difficulties with self-regulation. (Perry & Szalavitz, 2017)
Polyvagal Theory research confirms that a well-regulated caregiver is the strongest predictor of a child's emotional stability. (Porges, 2011)
Why ADHD & Trauma Make Co-Regulation Harder
If you have ADHD or experienced trauma, co-regulation may feel unnatural or even threatening.
🧩 ADHD affects emotional regulation by making emotions feel bigger, faster, and harder to manage.
🔥 Fight-or-flight responses activate more easily, making it harder to pause before reacting.🚫 Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) can make it feel like your child’s frustration is personal rejection.
🔊 Sensory overload from parenting (noise, chaos, unpredictability) can push an ADHD parent into shutdown.
Instead of co-regulating, you might find yourself:
Shutting down when your child has big emotions.
Becoming reactive instead of responsive.
Avoiding emotional moments because they feel too overwhelming.
This isn’t a personal failure—it’s your nervous system doing what it learned to survive. The good news is that co-regulation is a skill that you can still develop.
How to Rewire Your Nervous System & Co-Regulate More Effectively
1️⃣ Recognise That Avoidance Isn’t a Choice—It’s a Nervous System Response
✔ You’re not failing—your brain is reacting based on past experiences.
✔ Instead of trying to "just be better," start by noticing what dysregulates you.
✔ Awareness is the first step toward breaking the cycle.
2️⃣ Regulate Yourself First (Before Helping Your Child)
✔ Pause before reacting—step away for 30 seconds if needed.
✔ Take slow, deep breaths to signal safety to your nervous system.
✔ Use grounding techniques (pressing your feet into the floor, self-hugging).
3️⃣ Use Simple, Sensory-Based Regulation Tools
✔ Lower your voice—a slow, rhythmic tone signals safety.
✔ Hum, sway, or use soothing touch (activates the vagus nerve).
✔ Change the environment (dim lights, reduce noise, step outside).
4️⃣ Build Small Moments of Connection
✔ Co-regulation doesn’t have to be intense—start with simple interactions.
✔ Parallel play, watching a show, or coloring together builds emotional safety.
✔ If verbal connection is hard, try gentle physical presence instead.
5️⃣ Shift from Controlling Emotions to Modeling Regulation
✔ The goal isn’t to stop your child from feeling big emotions—it’s to show them how to navigate those emotions safely.
✔ Even if you didn’t receive co-regulation as a child, you can still learn and model it alongside your children.
Want Help Creating Your Own Co-Regulation Plan?
Many parents never experienced co-regulation themselves, making it overwhelming to offer it to their own kids.
That’s why I created a FREE Co-Regulation Guide to help you:
✅ Recognise your triggers & nervous system patterns
✅ Identify your child’s early signs of dysregulation
✅ Create a simple, step-by-step co-regulation plan
📩 Sign up here for FREE to download it
Healing Through Co-Regulation
If love, safety, and connection felt inconsistent in your childhood, it makes sense that your nervous system would struggle to accept them now.
💡 But remember:
✔ Your nervous system isn’t broken. It’s protecting you based on past experiences.
✔ You CAN learn co-regulation—even if it feels unnatural at first.
✔ Every small step toward connection rewires your nervous system—creating a new blueprint for yourself and your child.
🧡 You are not failing. You are healing. And that is enough.
📩 Need more support book a free discovery call to discuss 1:1 coaching.