"Why does my child resist everything I ask them to do?"
You ask them to put their shoes on, and they refuse. You tell them it’s time to brush their teeth, and they melt down. You give them plenty of warning before it’s time to leave the house, and yet, they still resist.
It feels like they’re doing it on purpose. Like they’re being difficult for no reason.
💡 But what if I told you this isn’t defiance—it’s a nervous system response?
If your child is neurodivergent (ADHD, Autism, or both), they may experience demand avoidance—a deep, automatic resistance to being told what to do, even for tasks they usually enjoy. It’s not about being stubborn. It’s not about needing firmer discipline.
It’s about how their brain perceives and processes demands.
What is Demand Avoidance?
Demand avoidance is when a person instinctively resists being told what to do, even if the request is simple or something they normally like. It can range from mild reluctance to complete meltdown or shutdown.
This can look like:
❌ Arguing or negotiation – "I’ll do it later!"
❌ Ignoring the request completely – As if they didn’t even hear you.
❌ Meltdowns or shutdowns – Becoming overwhelmed when pushed to comply.
❌ Extreme independence – Wanting to be in control at all times.
If this sounds familiar, your child may have Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a profile of Autism—but many children with ADHD and general sensory sensitivities also struggle with demand avoidance.
Why ‘Just Try Harder’ Doesn’t Work
Many parents instinctively push harder when their child resists:
🔹 "Just get it done!"
🔹 "You have to do this!"
🔹 "Other kids can do this, why can’t you?"
But for a neurodivergent child, a demand isn’t just a request—it can feel like a threat to their nervous system.
💡The Science Behind Demand Avoidance
Dr. Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory explains that our nervous system is constantly scanning for safety or danger. Neurodivergent children often have a more sensitive fight-or-flight response—so when they hear a demand, their brain interprets it as a loss of control, triggering a stress response.
Their brain says:
🚨 "I am not safe."
🚨 "I must regain control."
🚨 "I will fight back, freeze, or shut down."
This isn’t a choice—it’s an automatic reaction.
Understanding this changes everything. Instead of thinking “They won’t do it”, we start to see “They can’t do it right now.”
How to Work With Demand Avoidance, Not Against It
Instead of pushing harder, we can adjust how we communicate requests to make them feel less overwhelming. This is where low-demand parenting helps.
🛠 Strategies to Reduce Demand Avoidance
✔ Offer choices instead of direct demands → “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your story?”
✔ Use indirect language → “I wonder if your shoes will feel comfy today?” instead of “Put your shoes on.”
✔ Reduce unnecessary demands → Ask yourself, “Does this need to be a non-negotiable, or can they do it their way?”
✔ Use co-regulation → Stay calm and help their nervous system feel safe before asking them to engage.
✔ Focus on autonomy → Instead of “Time for bed,” try “What do you need to get comfy for bed?”
💡 Dr. Mine Conkbayir’s work on co-regulation highlights that children can’t self-regulate until they feel safe in relationships. When a child experiences a demand as a threat, what they need first is connection—not consequences.
Reframing Demand Avoidance in Parenting
It’s easy to feel frustrated when your child resists even simple tasks. But when we reframe demand avoidance as a stress response, not bad behaviour, we can change our approach:
❌ "They won’t listen!"
✅ "Their nervous system is overwhelmed by this request right now."
❌ "They just need more discipline."
✅ "More pressure won’t work, but reducing demands might."
❌ "They should just get on with it."
✅ "They need autonomy and co-regulation to feel safe first."
Parenting Differently Isn’t Failing—It’s Adapting
Demand avoidance isn’t about disobedience—it’s about nervous system regulation.
When we work with our child’s brain instead of against it, we reduce stress, meltdowns, and power struggles—for everyone.
🌟 You’re not failing—you’re parenting in a way that supports your child’s needs. And that is enough.
📌 Want more support? Download my free Neurodiversity Parenting Activity Guide for practical strategies.
📌 If your teen has just been diagnosed with ADHD, my self-paced online course, ADHD & Me, is designed to help them understand their ADHD, recognise how it affects their daily life, and discover strategies that actually work for them.
🔗 Research & Further Reading
📚 Polyvagal Theory & Nervous System Responses – Dr. Stephen Porges🔗 Polyvagal Institute
📚 Co-Regulation & Emotional Development – Dr. Mine Conkbayir🔗 Neuroscience & Early Childhood Development
📚 Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) & Autism🔗 PDA Society – Understanding Demand Avoidance
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