When RSD Spirals Hit: How to Calm Your Nervous System When You Feel Misunderstood
- Sarah Hardy
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
If you’re Autistic or have ADHD, you might know the feeling well: You’ve just had a run-in with someone who never seems to get you, no matter how many times you’ve tried to explain yourself or show up with kindness. Maybe it’s a colleague, a neighbour, or a family member. The conversation is short—but the emotional aftershock is massive.
💥 Your chest tightens.
💥 Your thoughts spiral: “They hate me. They think I’m a bad person. I'm going to get found out.”
💥 Even though you know it’s probably not true, your body doesn’t believe you.
This is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) in action—an intense emotional and physiological response to perceived rejection, criticism, or misunderstanding. And for many neurodivergent people, it’s a near-daily experience.
But what if I told you that it’s not just your mind reacting—it’s your nervous system? And that there are ways to support yourself in the moment that don’t require pushing through or pretending it doesn’t hurt?
How Polyvagal Theory helps with emotional regulation
Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how our nervous system constantly scans for safety or threat—not just from physical danger, but from social and emotional cues too.
For those of us with ADHD, Autism or AuDHD, that threat detection system can be extra sensitive, especially when we’ve been misunderstood or judged in the past.
So when we bump into someone who triggers those old experiences even briefly our body can flip into survival mode:
Fight (defensiveness, sharp words)
Flight (leave the situation or shut down the conversation)
Freeze or Fawn (go quiet, overly explain, or desperately try to smooth things over)
All while our brain is yelling: “I need to fix this! I need to prove I’m a good person!”
You are already a good person.But your nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough to believe that right now.
If this sounds familiar and you’re ready to understand your patterns with more self-compassion, you don’t have to figure it out alone Book a free discovery call to explore how coaching might support you.
What’s Actually Happening During an RSD Spiral?
Your body is reacting to a perceived threat to connection or belonging.
It might be the tone in someone’s voice, their body language, or just a familiar social dynamic that echoes past pain.
In that moment, logic and self-talk don’t always help.
That’s because your nervous system has taken the wheel, and it’s doing its best to protect you—even if it doesn’t match the current reality.
The goal isn’t to stop feeling RSD. The goal is to build tools that help your system return to safety quicker, so you can respond instead of react.
In-the-Moment Strategies to Shift Out of Survival Mode
Here are a few Polyvagal-informed strategies to try when your nervous system is screaming “danger,” even when your mind knows better:
1. Pause and Ground
Tell yourself: “This feels real, but it might be an old script.”
Place a hand on your chest or neck—anywhere you feel comfort.
Feel your feet on the floor or hold a grounding object.
2. Soothe Through Sound
Your vagus nerve is deeply connected to your voice and ears.
Hum, sing a line from a song, or listen to a voice that calms you.
Try saying, “I am safe. I am not in danger,” in a low, soft tone.
Or other affirmations that might work for you, test some out, make up your own the key is using something that feels natural is easy fro you to remember and works for you!
A personal favourite of mine is to ask myself... ""In this moment, in this place, with this person or people, is this response needed…"
3. Shift the Environment
Step outside. Change rooms. Look at a tree, the sky, or something neutral.
Even 20 seconds of sensory reset can help bring you back into regulation.
4. Delay the Fixing
You don’t need to explain yourself or fix anything right now.
Tell yourself: “I’ll revisit this in 20 minutes. Right now, I’m caring for my body.”
Free Resource: Create Your Own RSD Reset Plan
I've put together a free printable worksheet to help you:
✅ Identify your personal triggers
✅ Map your nervous system responses
✅ Build your own grounding and reset strategies
This tool is designed to help you plan ahead, so you’re not scrambling when you're already overwhelmed. Think of it like a personalised safety net—something to return to when your emotions feel too big to carry alone.
You’re Wired for Protection
If you take one thing from this post, let it be this:
You’re not overreacting.
You’re not being dramatic.
You are experiencing a real, body-based response to perceived threat.
And you can learn to work with your nervous system not against it so you feel more in control when RSD spirals hit.
If you’d like support with this, I offer 1:1 coaching for neurodivergent adults who want practical tools to feel more regulated, more confident, and more themselves in relationships and work.
Coaching Can Support Emotional Regulation
📩 Curious about how coaching can help? Reach out to book a Free Discovery session
Next time your body tells you “I’ve done something wrong,” pause and ask:
“Is this me now… or a scared version of me trying to stay safe?”
You're not alone. And you're not too much. You're learning to feel safe being you.
A Gentle Note on Mental Health & Coaching Support
If reading this blog brought up big emotions or reminded you of moments where you've felt overwhelmed, please know this: you’re not alone, and it’s okay to need support.
While coaching can offer a powerful, grounding space for growth and reflection, it’s not a substitute for mental health crisis support or clinical care.
If you're currently feeling unsafe, panicked, or like things are too much to manage, now may not be the moment for coaching—and that’s okay. What matters most is that you get the right support, right now.
Free, Confidential Crisis Support (UK)
📱 Text Support: Shout offers 24/7 support via text—no appointments, no phone calls.Text SHOUT to 85258 to speak with a trained volunteer.
📞 Call Support: Samaritans are available anytime. Call 116 123 to talk, completely confidentially.They’ll listen without judgement.
🚨 Emergency: If you're in immediate danger, please call 999 or go to A&E.
You matter. You're not a burden. And you deserve the support that fits where you are today.
Coaching vs. Crisis Support: What's the Difference?
A Note on Language, Perspective & Lived Experience
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